Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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