My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
