I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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