Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
