Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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