are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I need to calm my uterus...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
