alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
