omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
