Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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