May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
