we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
