He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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