Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
