apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
