Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
