You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
