I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
