Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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