Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
