According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize