U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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