I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize