apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
birth control should be required to get into college
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
