your parents love me but you hate me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
