tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
