theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
