i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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