Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
