I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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