I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
