Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
