remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
