I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
