kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
BRING THE BAGELS
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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