What did we do last night that was yellow?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
