Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
