goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
