He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
