i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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