Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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