Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
