im drinking this country out of the recession.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize