U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
