i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
