I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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