Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
