Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize