Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
