I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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