I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize