Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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