I showed him my bush... on skype.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
