i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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