we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
