I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
