I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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