I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
