there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize