can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
