I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
